Enkai is a drinking party for coworkers. I will make a real post at some point but this one, um, really highlights the cultural differences I am up against. Or the hardships of Katakana English. Or the fact that I work with crazy people. Or.... something.
***
Math teacher: blah blah blah stuff in Japanese I don't understand and am not really listening to
Young social studies teacher: blah blah blah
(Suddenly, he pulls up his shirt to show the math teacher his rock hard abs. I turn away and make a "WTF JUST HAPPENED" face. Everyone at the table laughs their ass off at me. Also, this entire conversation happened before any alcohol was consumed)
Everyone: Hahaha! We scared Elizabeth-sensei! Hahaha!
SS teacher: Heso!
ALT: Eh?
SS teacher: Heso! Heso! What is this in English?!
ALT: Oh. Belly button.
SS teacher: Eh? Velly botan?
ALT: Belly button. Like this button (pointing to a button on my sweater)
SS teacher: Velly?
ALT: Belly. B. B!!
Math teacher, returning from restroom: sup guys
SS teacher: This is English classroom! We are learning BELLY BUTTON!
Math teacher: Oh, berry! Like strawberry!
ALT: NO! BELLY! This is your belly!
SS teacher: I thought that was.... waist?
ALT: Um, well, yeah, that too, but...
Everyone at table: Very! Velly! Berry button! Belly button? Velly button! Hahahaha! Very button!
PE teacher at the next table: omg what is wrong with you people
(after giving a speech)
JTE: Does anyone have a question for Elizabeth-sensei in English?
(two teachers' hands shoot up)
JTE: Yes, Marumaru-sensei?
Random teacher whose name I don't know and who I have never spoken to before and will probably never speak to again: DO YOU HAVE BOYFRIEND?!
ALT: I have TEN boyfriends!
Random teacher: (pointing to self) Number eleven! Number eleven!
SS teacher: Number twelve!
JTE, trying to save me from the awkward situation: Then, Social Studies-sensei?
SS teacher: Ah, umm, eto ne.... same question!
ALT: fu
(after recieving a plate of sashimi)
SS teacher: This is SHII-RU sashimi!
ALT: WHAT? Seal?!
SS teacher: Yes, yes, SHII-RU!
ALT: You're joking!
SS teacher: No! Please believe me!
ALT: Seal? Really? REALLY?
Lunch lady: This is scallop.
ALT: See, it's not seal! You liar!
SS teacher: Yes it is! Shii... er, she-ru! Shell! Shell sashimi!
ALT: ......
SS teacher, trashed and having revealed at some point during the night that he studied French at university: Elizabeth sensei, je t'aime!
ALT: Yeah yeah whatever, if you love me so much pour me another drink dammit.
Everyone: EHHHHHH??? WAKANNAI!
ALT: Never mind.
SS teacher: No! Tell me! Talk slowly!
ALT: If you love me so much, pour me another drink.
SS teacher: Eh?
ALT: (miming and speaking extremely slowly) SI TU M'AIME... POUR me (miming pouring)... a DRINK (pushing her half-full beer glass to SS teacher)
SS teacher: ...Ah! Wakatta! (starts to chug beer)
ALT: NO! NO! NO! NO!*
Math teacher (pouring ALT a drink): You idiot.
(waiting at the station)
PE teacher: So, you are staying with friend?
ALT: Yeah.
PE teacher: Male friend?
ALT: Yeah.
PE teacher: Boyfriend?
ALT: Um, no, he's gay.
(about five minutes later, after the conversation has moved on)
PE teacher: So, you are staying with boyfriend?
ALT: You didn't understand gay?
PE teacher: No, I understand! Gay is a man who loves another man!
ALT: Right.
PE teacher: But... but... men are monster!
ALT: Then what about you?
PE teacher: Me? I am gentleman!
*only other ALTs will understand why it took such a tremendous effort of will not to change this line to "OH NO! MY BEER!"
